So, You Want to be a Swinger? 5 Things You Should Think about First.
So, You Want to be a Swinger?
It sounds so fun and exciting, doesn't it? The answer is YES! Yes, it's fun, exciting, exhilarating, interesting and so much more if you're navigating properly. So many couples enter the swingers world running, like its a marathon. In actuality, it should be the complete opposite approach. I recommend taking time to observe via social media, clubs and other events first. Being in the environment without openly participating really allows one to gain a feel for the lingo (yes, there is a ton of new vocabulary that comes with the swingers lifestyle), how others interact, possible rules and boundaries you have not thought of and so much more.
To help you navigate becoming a swinger, there are five key items I recommend having the answers to prior to dabbling in the swinging arena.
Five Key Thoughts to be Comfortable with Before Entering the Swingers Lifestyle
Why do You Personally Want to be a Swinger?
The conversation should start internally, with ourselves. To be a swinger, one must be completely in tune with their mind, body and soul. So, the question is ... do you really understand why you want to be a swinger? Was becoming a swinger your idea or your partners? Let's talk through the two scenarios..
I Want to be a Swinger
If it was your idea, how come? What do you want to gain from the experience? What thoughts lead you to this lifestyle? After having a firm internal understanding of your wants, needs and desires, are you ready to communicate them to your partner?
In order to successfully become a swinger, you need to have deep, clear, open communication with yourself first and then your partner and parters to come. The foundation to Swinging is communication transparency and understanding. If there is a point where you are unable to communicate your deepest, truest desires to your partner, then you are not ready to be a swinger. Each situation one participates in will always require different needs and ways of communicating simply because we are all different. Our wants and needs are different. This is where you need to be sure you can clearly communicate your rules and boundaries without crossing any lines.
If you do not feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with your partner, how are you going to successfully navigate the messy world of swinging? Yes it's messy! It's messy because emotions are involved. I can not imagine you wanting to deliberately hurt your partners feelings and overstep a boundary, breaking trust and mindsets, but it happens. It happens because couples do not take the time to observe, learn and understand the true fundamentals needed to become a successful swinger.
If you are having trouble articulating your thoughts, write them down. Go over it time and time again until you have found your confidence to share all these exhilarating, naughty thoughts with your partner. Be sure to present your feelings with delicate caution and care. The last thing you want to do is create an insecurity within your partner that they are "not enough."
My Partner Wants to be a Swinger
If you have been caught off guard by this revelation that your partner wants to be a swinger, what do you do?
My recommendation is to listen first. Allow your partner to express their truest, deepest feelings to you, giving them the opportunity to explain why and how they got to this thought. I'm sure you will be a bit taken back, maybe uncomfortable, or hell, maybe you're completely excited. Either way, it took courage for your partner to have the conversation, so be openminded, listen to hear them and then take time to process your own thoughts before responding in a way you may regret.
Once you've gotten past the initial conversation, take the same steps as I recommend above. Having a strong, open dialog is the only way to be successful. It's okay to tell your partner that you are still thinking over the proposition, but you need time to sort out what's going on in your mind. Take this time to research. Familiarize yourself with the possibilities. Allow your mind to wonder, taking you to places you never knew existed. Once you feel confident and comfortable to take the next steps, clearly communicate your thoughts, wants, needs and desires to your partner.
Once you've gotten through the initial alignment conversation, I encourage you to observe the swingers world for a minimum of six months before actually sexually participating. What one thinks the swingers lifestyle is like, is not the reality. You learn so much by observing others, that it will help you understand how to build your rules and boundaries. You'll catch red flags, things you like and don't like. Along the way, you'll realize there are a lot of scenarios to talk through. The more you see, the more you'll be in tune to what is comfortable to you and your relationship.
What do You Want to Gain from the Swingers Lifestyle
If you did the proper upfront work as suggested above, this question should answer itself.
For me, I didn't know what I wanted from this incredibly beautiful lifestyle. My partner was the swinger. I didn't even know this world existed. It took me months and months of observing and asking a million questions to fully understand. I realized, I just wanted to be myself. I want to feel accepted and loved for my bold sexual exterior without feeling slut shamed, accepted for who I am inside and out, allowing sexual expression without fear. For me, it is less about sex (but goodness, I love) and more about being exactly who I am around like-minded humans.
They only way I was able to come to this conclusion, was by doing all the upfront work that I mentioned above. I needed to accept my true sexuality and not be ashamed or embarrassed by it. Once my insecurities left my mind, I replaced them with the energizing freedom to think as openly as possible.
I encourage you to do the self work. It's time to become your true self.
Have You Communicated Your Rules and Boundaries to your Partner
You've completed your observation phase and now you're ready to build the rules and boundaries when it comes to play time. Each of you should be ready to present the boundaries needed to keep you feeling fulfilled, loved and cherished by your partner. Do not embed your rules & boundaries into your brain just yet, this is just the beginning of the conversation.
A key reminder when thinking about your rules and boundaries is that swinging is an activity that is supposed to enhance your relationship. It's supposed to add fun, excitement and ways to live out your fantasies. You don't want to blow it because you didn't communicate and understand properly.
Does your Partner Fully Accept your Wants, Needs and Desires
You must keep an open mind at all time while discussing your swinger composition, as your rules and boundaries may not align. If this is the case, really think about the make it or break it's. Do not settle for something that ultimately will make you uneasy in the end. This will lead to jealousy and resentment. It's absolutely pertinent that you are both on the same page and not compromising yourself, partner or relationship. At the end of the day, this is your body and no one can make you do anything you do not want to. Always keep that in mind! The swingers world is a fun and exciting place if you keep it completely honest.
If you and your partner can not agree on the conditions of your newly found swinging adventure, then there should be no adventure at all. You need to pause until you are completely aligned, comfortable and excited.
Don't forget, Rules and boundaries can always be adjusted over time. You can make safe and healthy shifts as you learn and grow, but you can't take back a mistake that breaks trust or hurts your relationship in some way.
As they say... Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was a swinger!
External Resource Links:
A Swingers Podcast -The Mizzy Bender Show