Mizzy Bender's Bisexuality Journey
- Mizzy Bender
- Sep 30
- 8 min read
Mizzy Bender's Bisexuality Journey
So, Bubby, what can I say? I guess the journey goes wayyyyyyyyy back...
Spencer: You love your ladies.
I do love the ladies, but it's not like I was able to just wake up one day and be like, "Oh, here I am. I like the ladies." It wasn't like that by any means. Let me tell you all about it my bisexuality journey.
When Do We Really Know We are Bi-Sexual
At a super early age (1st grade), I knew I was attracted to girls in some way. The first magazines I remember seeing were Frederick's of Hollywood or something along those lines. Those women were so pretty to me and at that point in time, I didn’t know what it meant to be attracted to someone. I didn't know what it meant to be bi-sexual. I mean, when do we really know we are bi-sexual? Does it vary for us all? I really don't know the answer. What I do know is that I thought these women had really beautiful bodies. I know a lot of different thoughts went through my mind. I was so little though. I had no idea what sexuality really was.
As time went on and I started noticing my sexuality more and more. As we grow, we understand the
things that make us tick. Obviously our sexuality is a huge part of that, maybe even the foundation to it all. It's very confusing to sort it all out.
When we were younger, no one spoke about being gay or bisexual. I don't think we knew anyone who identified as such either. Not until I was in 5th or 6th grade. Like many, it really wasn't a conversation so who really knew how to navigate things. All I know is that I would notice "strange thoughts" of oh ... I wonder what it would be like to kiss her, she's so pretty. Small things like that. It wasn't until I was older that I had more inquisitive thoughts.
The one thing I appreciate in current times is the openness to be ourselves. I may not agree with many of the orientations but many don't agree with my lifestyle. If one has the courage to openly live how and who they are ... I say ... rock on with your bad self. I'm not just sexual, I'm pretty extra also (if you haven't noticed).
Girl on Girl Action
When I discovered porn, it was all girl-on-girl stuff for the most part. There was a lot of threesomes and moresomes ... different kinds of activities like that. To know that's my life now makes my insides vibrate in all the right places.
Spencer: Now we're talking.
To be where I am now in the lifestyle (7 years), looking back on all the things that I've liked and knew I would enjoy, makes me really happy to be in this moment. But during that time it was a silent exploration with so much of myself closed off, guarded and physically quiet because of life circumstances.
My First and Only Kiss with a Girl
There was never a time in my life where I had the opportunity to be with a girl. In high school, I feel like the only girls kissing were the ones in the school play during long rehearsals leading to production day. And yes, when I heard the rumors, I wished I was in the play for that very reason. At various times I did think some of my friends were cute or pretty. Of course (am I the only one?) on drunken nights, I'd think .. "I wonder if something's going to transpire here". Nobody was willing to make that kind move. Maybe because I was the only one thinking it. I'd love to hear from you on this topic. Can you relate?
Remember, at this point in time, we're talking high school, leading up to 22 years old. I had all these thoughts, never acted on them and never shared them with anybody. It was all internal. I never ever journaled about it either. As I sit here and write about this, I am kind of surprised I never acted on it. Maybe because I was never settled anywhere long enough to trust anyone. I will never truly know.
At the age of 22, I kissed my first girl. And that was the only time I ever kissed a girl.
Spencer: Did you like it?
I loved it.
Spencer: You kissed a girl and you liked it?
That's exactly right. It was a few months into dating my ex-husband and we had gone out with two of his friends—a couple who were actually step brother & sister (yeah it was weird, but no judgement). She was such a cute gal, uniquely pretty, long blonde hair, but an absolute wild child. I thought I might have found my soul sista that night. She was bold and outgoing and everything I craved. This outing is a whole story in itself. I didn’t know it until years later, but that night was the night I became a whore in my ex-husbands eyes. It wasn't just the kiss. A more daring Mizzy came out to play that night. You'll have to follow the blog to hear all about it.
Vibrations of the Female Touch
From that moment on, I was like, oh my God, yes, I definitely enjoy being with females. However, with the
relationship I was in, there was no way I would be open to even talk to my ex about the subject. Not ever. I would never have felt comfortable to say, 'Hey, I kind of dig this. Let's try this out.' We never spoke about the kiss either so that was a sure sign that things weren't cool. That night was my one and only moment to feel the inner vibrations of the female touch.
When You Know You Know
Fast forward to my days in the corporate world. I had a co-worker that was openly lesbian.
Me and this chic had the best working relationship ever. We shared a great bond and passion for what we were creating. It was absolutely incredible. Along the way, I would have all these passing thoughts of what it would be like to be in a relationship with her. Now, it wasn't really her as a person, but the concept of it all. In my brain she was the dominant and I was a submissive. Lol. I've never shared any of this before so I hope you're loving it. Lol. Anyways, the way our relationship formed, it made it super easy for me to flow through these thoughts, identifying the things that catch my attention. I absolutely realized through this workship that I would really enjoy being with a woman in some capacity. Her and I worked together for years and years. One of my favorite work relationships thus far for so many reasons. I want to be really clear, that I was always professional, and kept all these things very close to my heart.
The Blessing I Didn’t Know I Needed but Really Did
Fast forward to when I met Spencer. It was a blessing in disguise because he came into my life, and he was able to give me freedom to explore. No pressure at all. Although, there were a few moments he pushed the limits with me. I quickly learned that he put me in many test situations to see how I would respond. I'm not thrilled with the concept looking back, but I appreciate it because it eliminated the fear in a way. I also taught me how how to create boundaries and use my voice when it came to lifestyle stuff.
Now when Spencer really "challenges me" I want to bash his face in ... but in the end, I always know it's in my best interest. It's the trait I love most about him. He will never let me settle for less than I am.
Spencer: That's true.
Initially, it was challenging for me to understand the whole concept of ethical non-monogamy / swinging. As we talked through each scenario, I knew this was the life for me. I felt it in my soul. I was excited and scared all at once. There was so much happening in my life at that time but once I let go, I felt really good and started embracing my sexuality more.
It wasn't just the freedom I was working on with Spencer. it was also important to me that my siblings understood me and supported me. It was a really difficult road (Not about being bisexual, all the other sexual stuff. But again, that's another story that will eventually come to light during my "How I Became a Swinger" series). It was the best feeling ever when we were finally on the same page and back to being the best bad ass siblings around.
Finding Your Freedom
There’s something that happens inside when you say, "This is who I am, and this is what I'm going to be doing." It's very freeing. If you don't have someone to support you, there are ways you can start the conversation with outside resources, such as a therapist, hot lines, support/community groups, etc.. Find your tribe.
Ultimately, when we shut this side of ourselves off, it's like pretending a side of us doesn't exist. It feels empty or conflicting inside. It's important to embrace and understand your wants, needs and desires. These help shape who we truly are. This is the reason why I educate/influence on being the BEST YOU. It's not really about swinging and the sex. It's about owning up to who we really are so we can live loving, fulfilling lives. This will always be my mission.
Attraction and Vibes
Lastly, someone asked if one can be attracted to only one type of woman. It’s the same as attraction to men—you're not attracted to everyone. You have specific types and vibes. Personality has so much to do with it too. You have to go with the flow, seeing who jives naturally with you.
Spencer: Good vibes only.
That's right. And that's how I approach all of this—good vibes only.
Until next time, I will talk to you super soon.
Xoxo,
Mizzy
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Background: Who doesn’t love to talk about sex and everything in between? Mizzy Bender is here to talk through all the down, dirty and not so fun moments that life has to offer. Mizzy is one female that isn’t afraid to embrace all aspects of life from sexuality to success.
Mizzy Bender is a 42 year old female entrepreneur and influencer leading the way within the Swingers / Adult Lifestyle community. If you believe in Ethical Non-Monogamy, this is the community for you. Mizzy’s journey started out with Mindbender Parties and still remains traveling the East Coast putting on full thematic swinger events with her partner in crime, Mr. Mindbender.
Mizzy’s passion and drive is all about creating an environment that is all inclusive and judgment free, where we can be who we are without question. Where one can have a platform to talk about the things we are curious about without question, finding like minded humans to love and support one another.
Through this journey, Mizzy's Boutique was formed. An adult novelty shop starting out online and has since migrated into a traveling pop up boutique at swingers / alternative lifestyle events across the US.
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