How Do I Get My Partner to Participate in the Swingers Lifestyle?
- Mizzy Bender
- Sep 21
- 6 min read
How Do I Get My Partner to Participate in the Swingers Lifestyle?
This is one of the most asked questions I get: How do I get my partner to join the swingers lifestyle? The below question was submitted through Mizzy Unfiltered . Anonymously submit your question here.
“My partner isn’t interested in the swingers lifestyle, but I am. We’ve discussed it a little. I do love and respect my partner and would never do anything they wouldn’t want to do. What do you suggest to someone that wants to play but also doesn’t want to lose their partner?”
How Do I Get My Partner to Participate in the Lifestyle?
One of the questions I get asked most often is: “How do I get my partner to join the lifestyle?”
It comes up in nearly every conversation I have, whether through private messages, live chats, or events. It’s a big, emotional topic, and I want to dedicate some time to unpacking it — not only from my own experiences but also through the lens of what I’ve seen in our community.
Check out my live podcast on the subject: How Do I Get My Wife to Join the Swingers Lifestyle
Why This Question Matters So Much
The idea of “joining the lifestyle” — whether you call it swinging, ethical non-monogamy, or alternative relationships — is often romanticized. People imagine instant threesomes, endless hookups, and new levels of excitement. But that’s rarely how it works.
Inviting your partner into this space is about much more than sex. It’s about trust, communication, and deep self-awareness. If you don’t have those things, your relationship will struggle long before you get to a club, a party, or even a fantasy conversation.
So before we talk about how to bring it up with your partner, let’s talk about the most important starting point: you. I encourage self reflection throughout all that I do.
Step 1: Know Yourself First
Before you can invite your partner into a new lifestyle, you need to know who you are as a sexual being.
What turns you on?
Do you have fantasies that you’ve never explored?
Why do those fantasies matter to you?
When did you first realize you were sexual?
For me, I can trace my curiosity back to third grade, sneaking peeks at the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs that arrived in the mail. I didn’t have the language to call myself bisexual back then, but I knew women were beautiful. That awareness was inside me long before the word “swinger” ever entered my vocabulary.
If you can’t articulate your own wants, needs and desires — not just the what but the why — it will be nearly impossible to explain them to your partner in a way that feels safe and honest.
Step 2: Assess Your Relationship’s Foundation
Once you’ve reflected on yourself, the next step is your relationship. Ask:
Are both of you secure in yourselves and your bond?
Do you already share fantasies in the bedroom?
Is there space in your relationship for difficult conversations without defensiveness?
If the answer to these is “no,” then you may not be ready to present the lifestyle. Because when you do bring it up, your partner’s first reaction may not be excitement. It might be fear, jealousy, or even anger. You need to be prepared for that.
And remember: if you’ve been together for years and never talked about fantasies, your partner may feel blindsided. That doesn’t mean the door is closed — it just means you’ll need patience.
Step 3: Choose the Right Approach
When you’re ready, you need to carefully decide how to bring the conversation up. Here are three methods I recommend:
1. Bedroom Talk
Start with light, playful fantasies during sex. Whisper something that excites you, test the waters, and notice how your partner’s body responds. Sometimes this opens the door. Sometimes it’s a hard no — and either way, you need to circle back to discuss it later.
2. Movies and Media
Pop culture has started to showcase open relationships and threesomes more often. If you’re watching a film together and a bold scene pops up, use it. Ask: “Wow, that was unexpected — what do you think about that?” It’s an organic way to feel out your partner’s reactions.
3. Car Conversations
Some of the deepest conversations happen on road trips. You’re side by side, there’s no pressure of eye contact, and the space feels safer. My husband Spencer and I have had some of our most important lifestyle conversations in the car, especially after events.
A Realistic Look at the Lifestyle
A huge misconception is that once you join, it’s all wild sex all the time. Let me break that myth:
Husbands aren’t sleeping with everyone at the club.
Single guys may have opportunities, but it’s not a free-for-all.
More often than not, women receive more attention than men — which can create jealousy if you’re not prepared.
If you’re not comfortable hearing your partner describe being touched by someone else, you’re not ready. Period. This lifestyle demands emotional resilience.
My Personal Swingers Lifestyle Journey
When Spencer introduced me to the lifestyle, my journey was different from most. He presented it to me directly, rather than me suggesting it. That gave me space to reflect: What in my life brought me to this point? Was I ready to embrace it?
Over time, through conversations, fantasies, and shared experiences, we evolved. We really like a hot wife dynamic but are open to everything. Things like this takes time. I share all of this on my blog — including juicy details, reflections, and the emotions behind it all. Transparency is everything for me. Read it here.
Practical Tips for Starting the Conversation
So, how do you actually bring it up? Here’s a strategy:
Educate Yourself First. Read blogs, listen to podcasts, watch content, and understand the reality — not just the fantasy.
Test the Waters. Use bedroom talk, media, or casual conversation to introduce the idea slowly.
Pick the Right Moment. Don’t spring it on your partner during a fight or stressful time. Choose a day when you’re connected and relaxed.
Be Ready to Listen. Your partner may have questions, fears, or outright rejections. Meet those with support, not defensiveness.
Take It Slow. Even if they’re curious, give it time. I suggest at least six months of talking, learning, and observing before taking action.
Communication: The Non-Negotiable
If you take nothing else away, let it be this: you cannot over-communicate in this lifestyle.
When you think you’ve talked enough, talk more. Debrief after every conversation, every fantasy, every play experience. Ask:
What did you like?
What felt uncomfortable?
What do you want next?
This constant loop of reflection is what keeps couples safe, connected, and strong.
Final Thoughts
Inviting your partner into the lifestyle isn’t about convincing them — it’s about opening a door and seeing if they want to walk through it with you.
Be honest about your wants, needs and desires. Be patient with their reactions. And above all, build a foundation of communication and trust that can hold both the excitement and the challenges this journey brings.
If you’d like to explore more, my blogs are full of personal stories, resources, and thought-starters to help you and your partner navigate this path. You can also reach me directly through mizzybender.com — the safest and most authentic place to connect with me.
Until next time, I will talk to you super soon.
Xoxo,
Mizzy
Mizzy Unfiltered – your chance to ask me anything without holding back. From relationships and lifestyle to personal growth and everything in between, nothing is off-limits.
Your submission is 100% anonymous – no names, no judgment, just raw and real talk. Each week, I’ll pick one question to answer in my advice column on Sundays, 7am via my blog.
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Background: Who doesn’t love to talk about sex and everything in between? Mizzy Bender is here to talk through all the down, dirty and not so fun moments that life has to offer. Mizzy is one female that isn’t afraid to embrace all aspects of life from sexuality to success.
Mizzy Bender is a 42 year old female entrepreneur and influencer leading the way within the Swingers / Adult Lifestyle community. If you believe in Ethical Non-Monogamy, this is the community for you. Mizzy’s journey started out with Mindbender Parties and still remains traveling the East Coast putting on full thematic swinger events with her partner in crime, Mr. Mindbender.
Mizzy’s passion and drive is all about creating an environment that is all inclusive and judgment free, where we can be who we are without question. Where one can have a platform to talk about the things we are curious about without question, finding like minded humans to love and support one another.
Through this journey, Mizzy's Boutique was formed. An adult novelty shop starting out online and has since migrated into a traveling pop up boutique at swingers / alternative lifestyle events across the US.
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