Mizzy Bender: Navigating the Swinger Lifestyle and Overcoming Divorce & Alcoholism'
It's time for me to remember who I am. As I navigate through my mental health battle, I needed this reminder to regroup and rebuild a meaning full brand completely aligned with who I am.
HOW DID THE MIZZY BENDER BRAND BEGIN?
The Mizzy Bender brand has been an unexpected adventure that is continuously evolving. My journey over the past five and a half years has been completely life changing in so many ways.
August 2018, I made a huge life decision to separate from my husband of 15 years, leaving everything behind. This was one year sooner than I had planned. I was actually on a five year exit plan because I needed time to focus on my career to be able to financially support myself. For you to understand, we need to go back to the beginning.
My ex-husband was a Marine who fought during Operation Iraqi Freedom. I met him a few months after his return home. Initially, he never spoke about his time so I really didn't know there were any kind of issues brewing, or maybe I was too blind at 21 to realize and understand what PTSD was. Maybe it was his 2 ½ year old son that I fell in love with. Maybe it was a combination of it all because by the time I realized my ex-husband was drinking pure vodka in his poland spring bottles, I was in too deep. Alcoholism is no joke. It effects everyone in your life. At times, it feels like you are the one with the disease. Its really hard to find your way out. To understand the difference between love and enabling. Going through the steps of Al- Anon really helped me learn how to love from a distance. It was one of the most challenging thing I ever had to do
I was always a strong, independent female, but in a way, always looking for acceptance in others because I didn’t really receive that at home. When I met my ex-husband, he was so charismatically sweet to me and overall, he is a good person. When I would look back on it, I always wondered if I would choose the same path if I had to do it all over again. My honest answer is yes I would. Even though those 15 years broke me to my core, leaving me with so many scars physically and mentally, they gave me the ability to love unconditionally, have extreme empathy and understand that not everything is black and white.
In fairness, no one should have to act out and witness the things my ex-husband had to. I didn’t feel it was right to leave someone because they experienced extreme trauma from war. Afterall, he was protecting our country. It became really clear after a few years that he was unable to, or refused to face the burdens he was carrying and the alcohol became more extreme. I really tried to provide support and help, but it was always interpreted as being forceful, making demands or just plain nagging. He could not and would not own the fact that he was an alcoholic who needed serious mental health assistance. At the time, the VA hospital was no help at all, which made things more discouraging because I felt like I was on my own, fighting a secret battle behind closed doors. My family knew there were issues but not to the severity of it all. I don’t know if it was embarrassment or the unspoken rule of secrecy that my ex-husband expected of me but either way, I never shared the depths of it all until things became really out of control.
Fast forward to 2011 when we moved into our rental home on the Great South Bay. I do not know why, but for some reason I was really against this move, but this was the commitment to stop drinking so I agreed. After some time, the house did start to grow on me, the drinking was really minimized and things were balancing out a little bit. Then bam! SuperStorm Sandy, October 2012 hit and it was a nightmare. The drinking picked back up heavily. The stress of what was to come was too much and the bottle was certainly his comfort. I will be forever grateful to my brother for staying with me or really refusing to leave me alone. In these types of situations, the Marine in my ex gave him this hardcore thought that we needed to stay and fight for the house, which was completely unrealistic. That became very clear 24 hours before the storm hit because the bay had already started to rise, flooding the beginning part of our street. Our town really messed up and pulled the wrong flood maps, so there was no emergency evacuation like when Hurricane Irene hit the year before. Mind you, we did stay for that Hurricane and fought for the house by digging trenches in the yard to allow the water to flow around the house and not so much inside the house. That worked then, but there was no way we were going to be able to do that with Sandy. When the wind started, the windows would vibrate and this was hours before the storm was due to hit. I was preparing myself to hear the fire trucks and bull horn screams to leave your home now. But that never happened. It wasn't until about 4:30pm on Monday that a police officer came by to strongly advise leaving the property. My brother and I finally got my ex on board, packed the furbabies and got out of there. I am beyond thankful that we left when we did because the storm surges were so high and intense, it ripped the back of our house off and that was that. Everything we owned was either in the bay or smashed in the streets. At that moment, the alcohol consumption picked right back up and we were back to square one.
Our next move forced us back to my ex’s parents house. It was a bit hostile, no one was on the same page and we all had different viewpoints coming out of the storm. I was beyond frustrated because I needed support and a sober partner managing through all the storm mess and picking the pieces back up to rebuild. After some time passed, the next commitment to stop drinking was when we were able to purchase our own home. I think his mom was hopeful too because she gave us the down payment to buy said house but as we all know with addiction, this was just another excuse to prolong not having to quit.
By the time we moved into our house, in my heart I knew the drinking wouldn’t stop. I would continuously find vodka bottles hidden all over the house in the most bizarre places. It was devastating, sickening and I was obsessed with always trying to find the next bottle. It was extremely unhealthy. But I never wanted my step son to find them. It was my mission to shield him from the downfalls of his dads sickness. For the most part, I was successful. It wasn't until the end of our relationship that he saw things for face value, and I am completely regretful and hold so much guilt over it.
On one particular Saturday, it was homecoming and my step son was in the parade to walk with his football team. We planned for the boys to come to our house after the festivities of the day were over. I’m not sure what it was about that day, but by 12pm, my ex was so drunk and I was furious. The boys couldn't come home to this, it would embarrass my step son too much. So, I told my ex husband that he needed to stay in his room and not come out. One thing led to another and an explosive argument happened which wasn't anything new. Our fights were always out of hand because the drunken mind would bring out the Marine in war, so things got interesting. That’s what happened on homecoming day. Something snapped, and my ex had our Rottweiler come at me. This wasn’t the first time, but this was the last time. I learned my lesson big time. I have never been so scared in my life. Replaying that day in my mind happens a lot. Anytime I see the scars on my arm, it flushes through me like the day it happened. This is how my five year plan started. I knew I couldn’t keep living this way, but I knew I couldn’t leave my step son either. So I made the commitment to myself to stay until he graduated high school. The following years became even more challenging. Eventually my ex was charged with a felony DWI. I was beyond myself and this life situation of mine. The constant roller coaster was too much to handle, but I had no choice.
Around this time is when I really started to go hard at work. I knew I needed to show what I was capable of if I wanted to get to the point of financially supporting myself and I did just that. I was very fortunate with the job position that I held supporting top executives within my multibillion dollar international organization. My constant turmoil at home gave me a drive at work like you wouldn't understand. I was always willing to learn, take on new projects, teams, whatever. If they needed something done, I made sure I was the one to do it. I needed to use my brain power on something other than the devastating home life I was living. My job made me feel validated, accepted and like I mattered. They respected me and listened to me. It was honestly the most incredible time of my life. The problem was, the higher positions & raises I received made my home life even worse. It was like I was being punished for being successful. That made me dive into my work so much more. I wouldn’t allow this one piece of my life to be taken away from me. It made me that much more motivated to keep going. I eventually became the Executive Assistant to our CEO, President of North America, President of Natural Products, CFO. I supported our brand leaders, our sales team, the creative and digital teams, as well as managing donations and corporate social responsibility projects. My dream was to become Chief of Staff, so I was working hard on absorbing as much company information as possible, integrating myself into every team that would let me. I was the bad ass boss babe I knew I could be and it was remarkable. I was so proud that I was able to filter all the negativity at home into something so powerful and pure.
Then June of 2018 came. I just received the biggest raise and had officially hit over 100k at the age of 34. I was so proud and excited. I did it! I actually did it. I couldn't believe it. I was executing my plan and I was right on target. Unfortunately, my ex felt a certain way about it, because he spent the following weeks beyond wasted. That was it. I had enough.
I was turning 35 that July and I said to myself - you can not live another day of this life. I lived my life for a certain purpose, and it wasn’t for myself. I made choices that would be in the best interest for others and put my needs and priorities last. I was finished. I felt like I was suffocating.
When all this was happening, my aunt asked me to attend a party with her, which wasnt unusual. Her and I were partners in crime, two peas in a pod, my best friend, we were everything to each other. Normally when things were really bad at home, I would be hesitant about going out on a Saturday night, especially with my aunt, because that was one of the “not allowed” things, but based upon the chain events, I put on my best pencil skirt and went to this party. Well, she failed to mention that it was a swingers meet & greet. LOL. I was completely out of place upon arrival simply based on my attire alone, and I didnt realize that it was a swingers meet & greet until later on in the night when I was propositioned into a threesome. I politely declined the invite, and turned to my aunt to be like… what the heck! It was a really funny moment between us.
At this meet & greet is how I met my fiancé and owner of Mindbender Parties. My aunt and Spencer were really great friends, which is how all this came about. My aunt is an adventurous human who just loves to be happy and free. And so for us, going to the bar that night for that meet & greet was more about going out dancing, having a great time, nothing more. To my surprise, Spencer and I connected in some small way that night, and I am not even sure how. All I know is that I felt an overwhelming aura of happiness around him. His personality was so vibrant and outgoing. He loved to dance and have fun. I was able to see that within seconds of meeting him. He has the most amazing outlook on life and it was a breath of fresh air. A few days after that event, Spencer found me on social media and we slowly began building a relationship. I had no idea what that was at the time but with the way my life was, I was ready to explore whatever it was that the universe was presenting to me.
Our relationship gave me the courage to move up my 5 year plan to just under that. I took my step son for his road test on August 2nd and moved out to the apartment complex two blocks away the very same day. At that moment, I knew my step son was able to take care of himself. He no longer needed me to drive him around, so I felt like I did my job. But, I was close enough to him that I could still take care of him. Unfortunately, my step son didn't understand and was angry, hurt and full of resentment. He stopped talking to me and it was devastating. At this current time, we are working on rebuilding. It's a challenge, but I will take the every couple months of talking over no relationship at all. I feel like a piece of me is missing and it's heartbreaking. I just keep a solid mindset that the relationship will become stronger as he gets older. I want to make sure I emphasize that I did not leave my marriage for another person. I left my marriage because I finally understood my life meant so much more.
Spencer helped me navigate so many emotions and thoughts. He gave me a safe place to break down all my walls and encouraged me to find myself. But it was more of finding my real self. Not everything I was meant to believe or forced to be. They are very different things and honestly extremely hard to navigate. When you have been told time and time again that wearing a two piece bathing suit, crop tops, tank tops and fitted clothing makes you a whore, its hard to determine what is out of line or not. I couldn't use tampons or wear thongs because of some odd, twisted thing in my ex husband's head. These are just some of the examples of what I needed to work through to become a balanced human. I thought the lifestyle was going to be the perfect place for me to explore and free myself from all of these burdens.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I was not treated with kindness. I wasn’t welcomed with open arms into this beautiful fairytale land I imagined in my mind. I was torn to shreds by the lifestyle community. By groups, by businesses and by people I have never met all based on rumors. I was outed to my family and so much more. It was the hardest thing to go through. I had to fight to prove who I was and what kind of person I was. Frankly, it was exhausting, upsetting and really difficult. I was trying to find myself in a world that I was only beginning to learn and had no idea existed with no support behind me except for Spencer. I went from one extreme to another. In these moments, I realized the world of the lifestyle was a messy place and I better buck up with the most amount of strength I could find to make it out in a peaceful way. So, similar to what I did with my corporate job, I took all that negativity thrown at me and built something spectacular from it.
On March 14, 2020 we (Mindbender Parties) were set to host an event in Philadelphia however, COVID had just made headlines and we did not feel comfortable traveling or proceeding with events until further notice. You can imagine how frightening this was as a business, not knowing what would come next. We finally made the decision on March 13th to cancel all events until further notice. With such uncertain times, we were brainstorming ways to stay connected to our community, providing support and encouragement however possible.
We decided to host an online Facebook Live event on March 14th bringing our St. Patrick's shenanigans to life from our living room. It was the most on the fly program but it received an outpouring amount of love and support with the request to continue something similar due to the current circumstances at hand.
With great thought and a heavy mind, that Monday, after the world had gone into silent mode, I couldn’t sleep. I ended up logging on to Facebook and went live for hours. I spoke to hundreds of people that morning who were all sharing how scared and uneasy they were. It was a really emotional moment for me. I recognized the world needed something and I needed to figure out how to help. That Thursday, Morning’s with Mizzy was formed. It began as a five hour live stream running 7am-12pm. People from all over the US and International viewers would log on at various times participating in the show. The conversations were amazing. It was raw and real, extremely emotional and heartwarming at the same time. As time went on and COVID died down, the show slowly shifted and eventually was eliminated. Mornings with Mizzy will forever hold a special place in my heart. To watch the growth of others, allowing such vulnerability in such a wild time was incredible. Since then, The Mizzy Bender Show - An Adult podcast was formed and is still thriving to this day. You can listen to it on any podcast network. It is full of education, community submitted questions and the journeys of others. I taught myself everything there is to know about podcasting, editing and producing great shows. I am not an expert by any means and I am still learning every day, but I am so proud to say I control and own all my own content.
During COVID is when Mizzy’s Boutique was formed. I was lucky with my job. When they moved out of state and eliminated my position, I was given 6 months severance, which is really unusual. January 2020 my severance ended and it was time to go to unemployment to think about next steps. I was adamant against receiving unemployment benefits because I felt lucky to have received what I did from my job. I didn't want to take advantage, but Spencer encouraged me to go, listen and explore the options available. I am so happy I did because they shared that I was eligible to apply for the SEAP program based on my work history. If I was approved, New York state would grant me unemployment benefits with an additional extension of 13 weeks if I opened a business. My mind quickly went to work thinking of the possibilities. This is how Mizzy Bender Corp was created. I applied for the program with the outline of Mizzy’s Boutique, a bisexual female entrepreneur creating a space for alternative lifestyle merchandise. I was so proud when I received the acceptance letter early March 2020. Now, this program is no joke. You need to write your marketing plan, your business plan, actually incorporate your business, create a business bank account, have a certain amount of educational credits, and so much more. There were specific tasks that needed to be completed and submitted weekly. I did it all! Mizzy’s Boutique is a successful online shop that is growing in so many ways.
In a way, COVID was a blessing in disguise for me. It allowed me to take a break from the world. From all the negativity that was swirling around me in every aspect of my life. It gave me time to learn and build my businesses. It gave me time to connect with the community in ways I never thought possible. I will be forever grateful for that difficult time, because it gave me the time to make my transitions without the noise of anyone around. There is always a silver lining, and I will always find it.
When COVID ended and it was time to launch Mindbender Parties again, it was refreshing. It was great to be back doing the things we loved. For Spencer, that was the events. They are his pride and joy. Its incredible how far we've come with the success of the events. Each one is unique in its own way, providing a space that is all inclusive and accepting of everyone.
Due to my journey into the lifestyle, it became my mission to build a community of understanding, positive energy and complete support. I am so proud that we are accomplishing that goal every day. We will be what the lifestyle is supposed to be. I will continue educating and sharing experiences through The Mizzy Bender Show, helping new community members ease into this wild world with as few hiccups as possible. Overall, it is so rewarding to be able to provide so much to our lifestyle community as we all learn and grow together and I would absolutely love for you to be part of It!
It's time to take the brand to the next level! Follow along to see where things go next.....
xoxo,
Mizzy
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