Navigating Emotional Trauma: My Journey Through Abortion, Family, and Toxic Relationships

Navigating Emotional Trauma: My Journey Through Abortion, Family, and Toxic Relationships

Dealing with something so heavy at such a young age was really difficult. I was so angry. I felt so alone and most of all I was so lost. 

Placing Blame and Seeking Closure

My mother proved once again that I needed to manage things on my own. At that time, I didn’t really have a relationship with my dad due to the complexity and ridiculousness of their divorce. Because of that, I held so much hate, resentment, anger, the need to be loved and wanted and so much more. I felt I was better at being the pawn for my parents than actually being a child. As I look back on it all, I understand why I have such a hard time making connections with others.  I had to protect myself from every direction starting in 3rd grade. Early childhood was a wild ride too, but 3rd grade is when I started building my armor during the separation. Jesus. As I write this, I am thinking about my niece and nephews and their ages. I could not imagine them having to deal with the nonsense I did. This is a huge reason I did what I did for my step son. 

Anyway, due to the disconnect with my dad, I felt the need to lash out one summer afternoon shortly after graduation. I was having a really hard day and I wanted someone to blame. I was driving around by myself crying my eyes out. I decided to find the closest payphone to call him. In that moment it was all his fault. If he just loved me enough none of this would have happened. Frankly, I do not remember the conversation at all. I know he was taken for words but I don’t really recall the conversation or anything that happened between us afterwards pertaining to this topic. I know I waited a really long time to make that phone call. The abortion is what put me over the edge. I know afterwards I felt worse not better. Things were a mess and so was I. It was too much for 17.

Moving Forward in Silence

As time went on, I was slowly able to compartmentalize what went on, allowing me to not sit so hard in my feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I did think about it a lot, but in silence. On the outside, you would never know. It was like that for a really long time. Eventually, I was able to come to peace.

I carried on with my adorable boyfriend from English class and that was that. To hear what happened to the relationship, read Party like its 2004 

Unexpected Romance - December 2004

One night earlier this month, maybe even just a week before, I don’t remember the specifics in regards to the actual first time we chatted, but it was on Myspace or Facebook, possibly AOL chat? I am not sure but somehow he and I started chatting and eventually decided we were going to meet. My goal was to meet people local to the bar I was hanging out at for ladies night. Even though I had moved out of the apartment, I still wanted to live the same life. So my goal was to find friends. I was not looking for a partner at all. 

At that time, my ex worked overnight shifts at a local factory so he could take care of his son during the day. He invited me to his house during the time he would use to get ready for work. I was super apprehensive about going to his house. I originally suggested coffee in a public place but when he countered with his house because of his schedule, I pushed back. He said he lived with his parents and his son was sleeping upstairs, so it did make me feel more comfortable about it. 

When I decided to go, I immediately called my step sister at the time and gave her all the details. I needed some sort of safety plan. I wasn’t completely stupid. 

My outfit was hip hugger bell bottoms with a crop sweatshirt and my hair thrown up in a messy bun. Remember, I wanted friends so I put no effort in at all. I was simply me.

Rolled Up In Mizzy Fashion

Love Em' All with Mizzy Bender

My car at the time was a purple dodge neon with the best system you ever heard! LMAO. My brother hooked me up.

If anyone knows me, I am terrible with directions. Always have been. So the night I was going to meet him, he stayed on the phone with me to help guide me along. When I arrived I drove right up on the curb over the grass. LMAO. How or why? I really don’t know. But goodness, what an entrance. He was standing on his front porch watching the whole thing.

For whatever the reason, he went back inside as I was collecting my things. I had to ring the doorbell to be let in. His dad answered and immediately asked if I was old enough to be there. Um, hello sir, I am 21. He let me in and showed me to Bob’s (fake name) room. 

We chilled for about two hours laughing the entire time. We truly had the best time. It was so silly. Maybe because I just didn’t care. I wasn’t looking for a man, so I didn't have a sexual vibe going at all (I can turn that on pretty quickly if I want. It’s my superpower). I had the girl next door vibe going. But it was nice to be just me and not have a care in the world about anything. 

New Love

When he walked me to my car that night, he kissed me and it was like I floated to heaven. He was so sweet and kind and gentle. It was magical. I felt like wow - when you least expect it, is when it happens. From that night on, we hung out everyday afterwards. He even came to Christmas Eve at my aunt's house, which was 3 days after meeting. 

When I look back on it, I realize he was a player playing the game and I got swept in, even when he tried to get rid of me I still didn’t get it.

The early days of our relationship weren’t bad at all. I was blinded by his charismatic personality and charm. Since it was the holidays, we were able to spend a lot of time together between Christmas and New Years. 

Ignoring Early Relationship Red Flags

Sometime during the following week, he had slept at my house. I had something to do that morning, so I left him in my room sleeping. Little did I know, he went through my room and found my journal. Remember the one I told you about in The $1800 Game Changer blog. My book of confessions, sexual experiences and so much more. Yup - that one. He read every single page. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but that book was held against me in every way possible. Looking back on it, I can see how my journey flowed the way it did. The reason I made the choices I did. I am not saying I am proud of them, but I understand them.  But the moment I realized he read that book was the moment I should have said good bye. 

He didn’t know me that well. To go through my belongings, reading something so personal. When I realized it, I felt so violated. But I stayed for the long haul. 

The Move In

I think I moved in with him 3 weeks after meeting. WHAT!  Well, I mean, I didn’t want to be at my parents house. I was thankful that they let me come back after I realized how hard it was to run an apartment, but I certainly didn’t feel cozy being there. It was just a space for me to hunker down and sleep in.  This is a prime example of wanting to be loved so much that I made real dumb choices. It was one quick move after another trying to find my place. 

Initially I thought the universe was being so kind to me. Bob’s son would have been the exact age of my baby. I thought the universe was giving me a second chance after doing something so terrible. How could it be that the ages line up exactly. At the time, his mom was hardly in the picture. She was struggling in her own ways and there was a ton of conflict between Bob and her. So we had his son a majority of the time. 

He was the cutest little blond hair dude around. He captured my heart immediately. It was a combination of what I just explained as well as having the instability of his mom. I was all in. 

Discovering Toxic Behaviors

It didn’t take long for me to realize Bob was drinking vodka in his Gatorade bottles. By this time, I had been living with him for a few months and was completely connected to the little one as well as forming a wonderful relationship with Bob’s dad. Bob’s mom never really took a liking to me, but I think that was more so because Bob was such a mess. His parents had a lot to manage after he came home from war. Which was only a few months prior to us meeting. I didn’t understand the underlying issues. No one really spoke about it. I was completely unaware of so much. But I also think I was blinded by my own fantasy. 

It was about a month after I moved in that I started receiving these crazy stalker phone calls. It turns out that it was some chic that Bob had been banging, or had some sort of weird relationship with. I’m still not sure to this day, but somehow she got my number and would call me throughout the night spewing all sorts of crazy stuff. I honestly had no idea how she got my number. I went through every possible scenario except the fact that he gave it to her. It wasn’t even a thought in my mind. But obviously that is the case.  Since her crazy phone calls didn’t run me off, she started putting dum dum lollipops on my car, and attached balloons everywhere.  This happened a few times. 

Oh Mizzy - you're so naive and foolish.  I feel like I forced him to eventually loving me like an arranged marriage because I just wouldn't leave.  I see that now.

Time went on and eventually some of these crazy situations came to an end but his drinking became more and more apparent. The Gatorade bottles turned to Poland spring bottles and he was drinking way more often than I realized. 

Now my focus became about the little one, creating structure because both of his parents were so not with it. Yes his grandparents were raising him, but  I wanted to make sure he always had a constant parent. He was way too sweet and innocent to deal with anything his parents were bringing to the table. So me and the little one became the best of buds. He was my whole heart. 

Facing Infertility and Emotional Realizations

It was maybe a year or year and a half into our relationship and we were in another crazy fight. Bob had the tendency to join chat rooms, finding chics from all over the place. I would constantly be walking in on him either jerking off or just sexting and it made my blood boil. Of course it made me sad too. Why was he doing this?  Was I not good enough? 

During this particular fight, I was so overwhelmed I went into the bathroom to cry. Bob was so drunk he was spewing so much stuff at me, most of which I couldn’t understand. I finally opened the door and I realized he was yelling at me because after all of this time of not using condoms I wasn’t pregnant. I had no idea why this was even a conversation. We never spoke about kids or anything like that in any seriousness. At that moment, my world crashed.

Not only was he being so mean to me about it… He was right. I never once thought about it before that moment. As soon as he said it, my immediate internal reaction was Fuck You. When he drank a bit more than usual, this was a recurring topic for him. I stopped listening after a while. 

I Swore It was the Universe

After so many of these fights, I convinced myself that the universe wouldn’t allow me to have children because of the abortion. I also knew that there was no way in hell I could bring a child into the world with this man. I told myself that I did the most horrible thing in the world, but the universe gave me a second chance with the little one. Keeping in mind, nothing is ever for free. I felt I needed to pay for my actions, and I was paying the ultimate price by being connected to Bob. If I wanted to have a baby, I needed to suffer in some way to balance it all out. 

Around 22-23 my menstrual cycle was becoming more and more uncomfortable. I bled non stop and I was always in so much pain. Bob’s mom would ask me to go get checked out more times than not. I eventually agreed. The appointment was a general check in. The doc prescribed me birth control pills, all of which I could never follow through on. It made me sick taking those pills so they changed to the patch. That caused a whole other set of problems so I decided to stay all natural dealing with whatever I had going on.

Heartbreaking Medical Diagnosis

By the time 2012 came I was really uncomfortable. I was calling out of work every month and would be a hot mess for a good 48 hours. It was torture. Soon enough, my job asked me to go to the doc. I was really close with the head of HR and she was really concerned that something was wrong so I made the appointment. 

It was a beautiful sunny day when I received the call from my Gyno to go over the test results. As she’s going down the list of issues, she ends it with….

And your uterus is in the shape of a heart. What that means in the current moment is that if you were to ever get pregnant you would most likely carry to the third trimester where it would disconnect from me, but I would have to carry it full term.   First off… who the fuck has a conversation like this over the phone. I was in shock. What was this woman telling me? She proceeded to say that I could have surgery to try and fix my uterus but that is not guaranteed and frankly, that seemed like torture. To go through something so intense for it to possibly not work out. I could not imagine.

The phone call came to an end and I sat on my front porch and cried. In my heart I knew it - I did it to myself the day I got that procedure done. They did something with that vacuum that deformed me and now I will have to pay for that moment for the rest of my life. 

Bob was in the shower when I got the call, so after I collected myself I went in to tell him what was happening. His immediate response was - you didn't want kids anyways, why are you so upset?

My thoughts were:

Mother fucker - I convinced myself I didn't want kids so I can make it through life with you. I convinced myself that I deserved to be punished for what I did. Now I am told its not even a choice any more. It is definite. At least I controlled that narrative. Now I have to live in reality.

After about an hour, I did what I did best .... I took those emotions and swallowed them deep. All of these moments made my shell tougher and tougher. I am not sure this was the greatest coping mechanism, but it got me through some pretty heavy times. Between my mother and Bob, the emotional warfare was insane. While living it, I didn't realize it. All these years later as I try and unfuck myself, I totally get it.

Ugh - But that is not really how this story ends. Stay tuned.

Until next time, I will talk to you super soon.

XOXO,

Mizzy

The stories and experiences shared on this blog reflect my personal journey, memories, and perspective. Everything I share here represents my truth, told through my eyes and heart. This content is deeply personal, and out of respect, it should not be copied, shared, or reproduced in any manner without explicit permission.

Each individual mentioned in my stories has played a significant role in my life—people I have deeply cared for, still care for, and hold respect toward. My intention is never to harm, offend, or disrespect anyone. Instead, my aim is to honestly share my experiences, thoughts, and emotions from my personal viewpoint.

Please read these stories understanding that this is solely my perspective, and others involved may see or remember these moments differently.

Thank you for respecting my story and those within it.

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Background: Who doesn’t love to talk about sex and everything in between? Mizzy Bender is here to talk through all the down, dirty and not so fun moments that life has to offer. Mizzy is one female that isn’t afraid to embrace all aspects of life from sexuality to success.

Mizzy Bender is a 41 year old female entrepreneur and influencer leading the way within the Swingers / Adult Lifestyle community. If you believe in Ethical Non-Monogamy, this is the community for you. Mizzy’s journey started out with Mindbender Parties and still remains traveling the East Coast putting on full thematic swinger events with her partner in crime, Mr. Mindbender.

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