Mizzy Bender: Why I am Writing My Story
- Mizzy Bender
- Nov 14
- 8 min read
Mizzy Bender: Why I am Writing My Story
Mizzy Bender Bold. Unfiltered. Empowered.
Gosh, I really have no idea where to begin. I have thoughts flowing in every direction. Up until this point, through my blogs, I've mapped out some of my early years leading me to when I met my ex-husband. I have so much more to dive into, after self reflecting, but before all that, we have to talk about why I am writing all of this. At first, my blogs started as a passion for writing. They have now developed into my truth. My therapy. My healing.
I think by now you understand that my previous marriage was beyond fucked up. Living with an alcoholic was nuts! My mom is "nuts". It is all nuts!
In this new beautiful life of mine, shared with a man whom loves me, honors me, and makes me feel like I am everything, has helped me realize how every bit of my life up until now was all wrong. Not because we talk about it… but because he shows me every single day. Because of him, I can finally heal the pieces that have been shattered for years.
Was it Domestic Violence?
To begin talking about what it was really like living with an alcoholic is going to be interesting. Pulling these scenarios out from deep within has been really conflicting. I sit in this territory of OK, I'm pretty sure this was all domestic violence, right? But I'm confused by it because he was/is an alcoholic. OK, so what does that matter? Just because he was drunk doesn't minimize the circumstances that transpired.
Because he was drunk, I don't think that he remembered all the things that transpired the night before. Either he didn't remember, or he did remember, knew it was wrong, and refused to acknowledge it. Either way, after every single situation (and there were a million) I never received an apology. If I did, I needed to beg for it and at that rate… What did it even matter?
For 15 years, I learned how to navigate and manage through detrimental, unsafe situations. For example, if he was in some sort of moment he would stand over me, screaming. I would be absolutely hysterical. The only way for it to stop was if I stopped. He would revert back to being a Marine telling me I didn't have the right to be upset or scared because there was so much more going on out there.
Okay, well that's a really tough situation to be in, right? I get that his mindset was real fucked up but I also understand that I needed to figure out how to get out of the situation where things didn’t evolve into something stronger.
In order for me to do that, I had to rise above my fear, I had to rise above these emotions, and I had to dig deep down inside to calm my soul to take all that fear away. So I learned how to rub and tap myself into a meditative state that allowed me to disappear, shut down to calm myself down to allow him to go through whatever it was that was happening until it stopped and would get myself out of the what the fuck was going on.
Granted, I'm sure the fight started because I couldn't handle the fact that he was drunk. So was it my fault because I poked the bear? I have no idea. It doesn't excuse what transpired; it doesn't excuse what happened to me.
Full disclosure - there were times I became a complete psychopath. Screaming like a maniac. Crying in hysterics. Most of the time he was too drunk to comprehend any of it which made me go even harder. Those moments were so sad. Understanding but not understanding how lonely and disappointing this life was.
I did eventually learn how to quiet that voice too. Going completely silent, a numb state, just to keep the peace.
I share all this because my emotions are all over the place. I am finally acknowledging that these things were wrong and that these things really detrimentally hurt my soul. I've been trying to write through all of it, pulling it from deep within, acknowledging the fact that the abuse did happen and it doesn't matter what I was doing or what I said, nobody deserves to be treated in the fashion that I was treated.
I think that when you are in a situation such as this, it becomes normal. You forget what calm is like. This chaos becomes your daily life, becoming “it is what it is” but to a degree you know it's wrong because you keep it hidden.
There became a point in time where I felt I couldn't say anything anymore. How many times can you cry wolf? How many times are you gonna keep singing the same song? I felt like I didn't have the right to say anything to anybody anymore because I'm choosing to stay and I'm choosing to take this on.
I want you to know, I tried leaving a lot of times. I went to stay with my brother. I went to stay with my cousins. I went to stay with my aunts. I went to stay with my dad. Probably at one point in time or another, my mother, I'm not sure. I don't quite remember that, but I did try to leave so many times. I always went back. I went back because of my step son. There were times where I would speak to my step son, asking him to come with me. But, he had his space and he wanted to stay in it. I would try and manage from a far, but that didn't work. Especially because when I was gone, the binges continued hardcore. My step son would have to take care of himself. Obviously that wasn’t an option in my eyes, so I went back home. There is also a part of me that went back because that was my home. I went back because that is the only thing I knew. When I came home, the binge would stop and we would start the whole process all over again.
My Mom is My Trigger
And it is Completely Heart Breaking
I think it's super challenging when you try to swallow all these emotions and then somebody triggers you into reliving everything all over. Unfortunately, my mother is my trigger. She can't figure out how to move the fuck on with anything in life. I feel really sorry for her because I can't imagine what happened with her life. I mean, I have an idea of the parts that I was alive for, but I don't know what happened prior to that made her who she is today.
Coming to the understanding that people trigger you into being unhealthy and having to let them go is super hardcore. My mother will always trigger me because she'll never allow me to move on from a lot of different things that transpired through life. Because she won't allow me to move on, it triggers my marriage all over again.
The Turning Point
On Thursday, October 2, 2025 my mom triggered me for the last time. I spent my whole life wanting to be chosen first by her and especially over some ridiculous piece of history that no longer matters. That night my world shattered all over again. All the work I have been doing over the last year to get mentally sound from her outlandish, incredibly hurtful freakout. Noting 5 mini ones in between. Saying to myself... you can do this. She is your mom.
No. No, I can not do this any more. I love you. But at this point, I officially love myself more. My soul can not handle the conflict and chaos any more.
My thoughts coming out of that ridiculous night is that it feels weird knowing you never really belonged anywhere your entire life. When I was younger, all my parents saw were their own issues. Which unfortunately played out on us kids - most of the time me, more than my siblings. As time went on, my mom became more scorned and my real dad became more distant. I did not have a relationship worth any kind of value with either one of them. It was/is so emotionally disconnected that it feels numb. It is hard to explain. For her and I to still be arguing about their divorce from when I was in 4th grade is absolutely insane. To bring back every one of those suffocating feelings of having to choose between my parents. To bring back every single feeling that I worked so hard over the years to continuously let go of, believing she would let us move on, knowing in my heart we never would.
No wonder I was able to live 15 years of begging to be chosen, begging to be loved, begging to feel like I mattered. It all leaves you feeling pretty unsure of everything in life.
As I self reflect and tell all these stories, I understand why I am so guarded. I also thank the Universe everyday, over and over, for Spencer. He has provided me with the most amount of consistency, safety and love that I have ever experienced. It makes my heart melt every single day.
If you’d like to explore more, my blogs are full of personal stories, resources, and thought-starters to help you and your partner navigate this path. You can also reach me directly through mizzybender.com — the safest and most authentic place to connect with me.
Until next time, I will talk to you super soon.
Xoxo,
Mizzy
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Background: Who doesn’t love to talk about sex and everything in between? Mizzy Bender is here to talk through all the down, dirty and not so fun moments that life has to offer. Mizzy is one female that isn’t afraid to embrace all aspects of life from sexuality to success.
Mizzy Bender is a 42 year old female entrepreneur and influencer leading the way within the Swingers / Adult Lifestyle community. If you believe in Ethical Non-Monogamy, this is the community for you. Mizzy’s journey started out with Mindbender Parties and still remains traveling the East Coast putting on full thematic swinger events with her partner in crime, Mr. Mindbender.
Mizzy’s passion and drive is all about creating an environment that is all inclusive and judgment free, where we can be who we are without question. Where one can have a platform to talk about the things we are curious about without question, finding like minded humans to love and support one another.
Through this journey, Mizzy's Boutique was formed. An adult novelty shop starting out online and has since migrated into a traveling pop up boutique at swingers / alternative lifestyle events across the US.
You are a survivor of domestic violence! I am so sorry this happened to you. Him being an alcoholic or a Marine with PTSD does not excuse it. If he truly loved you, he would have found a way to deal with his issues. You deserved better!