Reflections on Step-Motherhood and the Complexities of Life
- Mizzy Bender
- Jun 8
- 4 min read
Reflections on Step-Motherhood and the Complexities of Life
I am so thankful for my step son and always will be. I had the opportunity to be part of his world in such a big way. At the same time, I know that everything I did had layers of reasons attached. Some reasons feel deep and selfish, but I know they were always in the best interest of my step son.
Navigating Early School Years
When he started kindergarten his mom was around some of the time, so you would have the 3 of us managing the little one at school. His district didn’t have school buses, so we would have to pick him up and drop him off. When the visitation schedule actually flowed, it was easy, but most of the time it was a goddamn mess for so many different reasons. Because of this, we were labeled as babies raising a baby and I was completely frustrated by that. Just because they were hot messes didn’t mean the little one was. He was an innocent little cutie. So I made it my mission to turn that around. I became the Vice President of the school PTA, the Secretary of the entire district PTA, the President of Ladies Auxiliary running our little league operations, I was on the board of the football team, I was his cub scout den leader and I am sure more, but that's all I can think of right now. I made sure that the boy's reputation stayed honest at all times. I worked double time to cover up for the messes around him and it worked. I am damn proud of that.
Finding Personal Validation
I am so happy I had the opportunity to be part of all these groups and clubs because it made me feel validated and appreciated. This is one of the parts that makes me feel selfish. It also gave me a huge reason to be able to leave my house without being in trouble. Between all the clubs and events I was part of, I had a meeting at least once or twice a week.
Stepping Up as a Primary Caregiver
I was the main point of contact with the school so if anything happened to the little one, I was the one who was called. In this way, I was a very successful mom. I did my job to love and protect that boy with everything I had. I never ever wanted him to feel like I did. I never wanted him to feel unloved, unsupported or lost. I tried so hard to be a constant. I was over the top with some of it (like so many parents), but I put my best effort in at being a mom and I am grateful to have had the full experience.
Grieving Lost Connections
As I self reflect on my thoughts working towards the conclusion on this subject, I thought it was important to share how deeply integrated I was into this sweet boy's life so that you understand it was like mourning a death when I lost him from my life. We’ve all had to mourn someone who is still alive and we can all agree that is the hardest thing to do. I had to accept that he isn’t mine. I also recognize that he was 18 when I left. An age where he was launching into the world as an individual, on his own, trying to understand his life and why things are so fucked up.
You see, as much as you try to protect them as children, we still hurt them and it is heart breaking. We do the best we can with the tools at the time but they live their experience differently than ours. We have to respect that even when it hurts. I am sure if you ask my mom, she will say she did the best she could with the tools she was working with. It doesn't change my experience and how I was shaped from them. I always keep this in mind with the little one.
We reconnected a few years ago for a short period of time, and I am so incredibly thankful for that time together. He and I were able to talk through some pretty heavy things. Maybe we both needed closure to some of it. Maybe we both needed to acknowledge the difficulties of life after having the separation and time. I know I needed him to know that no matter what, I will love him with my whole heart for as long as I live and beyond. That even though he isn't mine, he will always be mine until the end of time.
Unfortunately we haven’t spoken in over a year and a half. I tried but with every reach out there was no response. As the breakdown of our relationship was happening, I was told I needed to have a hysterectomy. Oh universe… You are funny. Very, very funny. I felt I was losing so much all at once.
Until next time, I will talk to you super soon.
XOXO,
Mizzy
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Background: Who doesn’t love to talk about sex and everything in between? Mizzy Bender is here to talk through all the down, dirty and not so fun moments that life has to offer. Mizzy is one female that isn’t afraid to embrace all aspects of life from sexuality to success.
Mizzy Bender is a 41 year old female entrepreneur and influencer leading the way within the Swingers / Adult Lifestyle community. If you believe in Ethical Non-Monogamy, this is the community for you. Mizzy’s journey started out with Mindbender Parties and still remains traveling the East Coast putting on full thematic swinger events with her partner in crime, Mr. Mindbender.
Mizzy’s passion and drive is all about creating an environment that is all inclusive and judgment free, where we can be who we are without question. Where one can have a platform to talk about the things we are curious about without question, finding like minded humans to love and support one another.
Through this journey, Mizzy's Boutique was formed. An adult novelty shop starting out online and has since migrated into a traveling pop up boutique at swingers / alternative lifestyle events across the US.
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