The Hysterectomy Journey that Started with an Abortion

The Hysterectomy Journey that Started with an Abortion

It’s funny how things work out. I am a firm believer in the universe and the connection of life. As I self reflect, I believe more and more. 

Over the last few weeks, I have been at a stand still with writing. Truthfully, with everything and I have finally connected the dots. I’ve created boundaries and spoke my truth. Now, it's time to lay it all out starting at the very beginning which is somewhere during the summer of 1998. 

The Summer of 1998

I was going into 11th grade and I really wanted to find stability. At that time, I was constantly being called a slut of some sort. My reputation was not good, and frankly, there was no reason for it. I never understood it either. As much as I was popular, I was equally as lonely because it was all so superficial. There were moments of really good times, but I feel like there were more down moments then good. 

Anyway, to help resolve this bad reputation nonsense, I decided I should get a boyfriend. I knew exactly who liked me and was able to make the decision on getting this sorted before 11th grade began and that is exactly what I did. I don’t recall how it all really happened, but I did start dating him before school started. 

We had a normal, typical high school relationship. We walked each other to class, he had his older friends pick me up on the way to school, we went to lunch together, bla bla bla. We actually had a really decent friendship and got along so well. He was so kind, and soft yet his dad was very demanding and strict. It was interesting to be with him with his family versus with his friends. But at the end of the day, his parents were always so great to me and so was he. 

For the longest time I thought I made the best decision in the world. I had a really great person to spend time with. Things really settled down for me, making 11th grade a pretty decent year. The plan worked perfectly until the Thanksgiving eve senior year. 

Thanksgiving Eve Senior Year 2000

My boyfriend and I were at a party and decided we were going to go back to my house to spend our first full intimate moment together. Up until that point, we only did soft things which consisted of blow jobs and fingering and a lot of clothes on grinding. LOL.  So we went back to my house and it was actually kind of nice for what it was. It was his first time, not mine. He was the second person and truthfully, this moment meant way more than my first. Here we are passionately getting our groove on when he gets the condom and puts it on, and within seconds he was inside of me pumping away when all of a sudden I felt something really weird.

I said - wait, stop. Did the condom just break? And he said yes, but it's too late. I am finished. 

I lost my mind. Instantly sick to my stomach. At that moment I knew everything was about to change. I don’t know how, but it was this crazy wave that went through my soul and I was devastated. 

I was also furious. Who the fuck does that. As a man, why would you do that? Selfish. Unaware. I don’t know. But at the same time we are stupid kids doing stupid things and there are consequences for everything. 

It was a few weeks later when I was heading to work right from school that my stomach felt a bit uneasy. So I stopped home to have a quick bite to eat in hopes that would help. Unfortunately it did not and made me throw up instantly. At that moment, I knew it. I was pregnant. I knew it that night and I knew it at that moment. I immediately called my girlfriend that I spoke about in my last blog, the amazing chica that got me the job at the bar. She picked up pregnancy tests and brought them to my house. It took seconds for the positive to pop up. 

I was sick to my stomach. I was so scared. I was freaking out. I had no idea what to do. 

Thank Goodness for Planned Parenthood

All I know is that things went down hill real fast. At that time planned parenthood was operational, so I made an appointment to confirm things and to figure out my options. There was no way I was having a baby. Life was so fucked up in a way. I couldn’t even comprehend carrying a baby through my senior year. No way. I’ve already endured so much, that sounded like torture. 

Planned Parenthood confirmed I was indeed prego and scheduled an abortion for January 6 2001. The cost was $350. OMG - where the fuck was I going to get $350? Well, my boyfriend received a pretty great allowance of like $40 a week. I told him to save his money to give to me. Originally he was onboard, until he wasn’t. 

Next thing you know all of fucking school knows whats going on. WHY? Why would anyone say anything? December 2000-June 2001 was one of the saddest times of my life.  Once everyone in school found out, the slut shaming came on hardcore. Which baffled me because I was pregnant by my boyfriend of 2 years. How could I be a slut? My boyfriend and I ended up breaking up. I am sure it is because he was scared shit of his dad finding out. Who knows really. I’m not sure that there was even a break up. I think we just stopped talking. 

In the meantime, my boyfriends good friend knew what was happening and he offered me $350. I knew he was into some shady ish steeling from the deli he was working at, so I figured, fuck it, I need the money. I will take the $350. So I did. 

My Saving Grace

Somewhere in the mix of all this chaos happening, around the beginning of December, I met an adorable

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boy in my English class. I also became friends with a girl in English as well. These two individuals got me through the rest of 12th grade.  I could barely stay in school. I spent a ton of time in the guidance office. I skipped a lot of classes. I know that I was not in a healthy place at all. I was beyond the point of struggling. 

Come January, I was feeling worse than ever. At the same time, I was feeling relieved that I would be past this soon enough.  On January 5th, I slept at my girlfriend's house from English class. She was my morning driver. I had to be there for 7am. The appointment was a few hours long, so I set it up to have the adorable boy from English class pick me up afterwards. I thought it was so kind that he was willing to support me in this way. As a matter of fact, he actually fought several guys for me during this time period because everyone had gotten so out of control. He really defended me in so many ways and had my back fully. Without him, I don’t really know what would have happened truthfully. 

D Day

The appointment was pretty easy, although I will always remember being semi awake for it all. It’s one of those moments you wish wouldn’t be a memory but it's such a real memory you can hear it all just as if it were the day of. It’s funny how our minds work. I am hoping that some of these raw feelings will go away after I speak my full truth. I am hoping they will float away with each letter typed. I guess we will see how I feel at the end. 

The adorable boy picked me up right on time and spent the whole rest of the day with him. He would not leave me alone for a minute. I think that is the day we truly became more than friends.  He protected me and had my back  when no one else did and I will be forever grateful to him.

It was the day after the procedure when the boy who leant me the money showed up at my door and said he needed it back. My stomach dropped. What the fuck to you mean you need it back? The appointment was yesterday. I said. He didn’t care. He said I had a few days to get it to him. OMG - I was beyond myself.

The Turning Point

Then, 2 days after the appointment, in the middle of the night my belly was really uncomfortable. I was cramping like crazy. I was in pain and bleeding. When I went into the bathroom, I had some massive clot and I was terrified. One would think to go get their mom, but there was no way I was doing that. Her and I did not have that kind of relationship. For goodness sakes, I never even told her that I got my period. I just took care of it myself. I certainly wasn’t getting her for this so I worked through all of it through the night in the shower and went to my brother the very next day. I told him and his girlfriend everything. 

My brother convinced me to tell my mom and step dad what was going on. He said he would be there with me and support me. So, that night, that’s what we did. Trying to find the words through the tears was really hard.  But I did it. I shared it all. The appointment, the money and what happened in the middle of the night. 

My mother’s response: You fucking murderer. I could have raised that baby.

That’s pretty much where the conversation ended for me. I have no idea what she said, if anything. I have no idea if I said anything or what. But, that was the moment  I really realized that I will always be alone and I need to handle life on my own. 

My brother quickly scooped me away and took me on a drive hoping that would calm me down. He was right to do that. I was starting to calm down, only to receive beeper messages over and over and over. The codes and spell outs were: DIE, Slut and other things like that. 

The Consequences 

Sadly, I have never told anyone this, but there was a period of time where I tried cutting myself. Now, I didn’t use a knife, but I did use sharp enough objects to at least break the skin. I was too scared to make myself bleed, but I contemplated it more than a few times. I was broken, loney and beyond sad. 

The next chapter of this story is the part that I need to come to terms with. The part I need to forgive and come to peace with. The part I made myself believe purely because of the life I was living. 

Follow along to hear what happens next.

Until next time, I will talk to you super soon.

XOXO,

Mizzy

The stories and experiences shared on this blog reflect my personal journey, memories, and perspective. Everything I share here represents my truth, told through my eyes and heart. This content is deeply personal, and out of respect, it should not be copied, shared, or reproduced in any manner without explicit permission.

Each individual mentioned in my stories has played a significant role in my life—people I have deeply cared for, still care for, and hold respect toward. My intention is never to harm, offend, or disrespect anyone. Instead, my aim is to honestly share my experiences, thoughts, and emotions from my personal viewpoint.

Please read these stories understanding that this is solely my perspective, and others involved may see or remember these moments differently.

Thank you for respecting my story and those within it.

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Background: Who doesn’t love to talk about sex and everything in between? Mizzy Bender is here to talk through all the down, dirty and not so fun moments that life has to offer. Mizzy is one female that isn’t afraid to embrace all aspects of life from sexuality to success.

Mizzy Bender is a 41 year old female entrepreneur and influencer leading the way within the Swingers / Adult Lifestyle community. If you believe in Ethical Non-Monogamy, this is the community for you. Mizzy’s journey started out with Mindbender Parties and still remains traveling the East Coast putting on full thematic swinger events with her partner in crime, Mr. Mindbender.

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