When Darkness Comes Part 2 of 3
- 3 days ago
- 8 min read
When Darkness Comes Part 2 of 3
Have you read When Darkness Comes Part 1? Cick here
The Holidays
The holiday season is always messy trying to figure out schedules and whose family gets what time slot. I actually hate Christmas. My whole life it has been my most hated holiday simply for the chaos it causes around visitation schedules and family drama. This holiday sparks some PTSD and it takes everything in me to find the magic. This year was no different.Â
Thankfully the holidays came and went. 2026 was upon us and I was ready to make this year my bitch.
Making 2026 My Bitch ... Or Not
It was time to set my plan in place. Monday, January 12, 2026 I went to the public library to write a blog and investigate museum passes. I was getting my schedule ready, planning the museum route. The excitement was brewing. I felt happy to finally take control of my days, creating a life I thrived in. One that I truly chose for me.
My favorite fun find at the library ... a propagation station. You can take a piece or leave a piece of any plant.
Then BAM! Tuesday, January 13th I woke up feeling a bit off, lethargic and just blah. As the day went on, things got worse. For the next four days I would end up in and out of extreme fever. Saturday morning I was at the clinic diagnosed with flu A. I was a hot mess. On top of the fever, I couldn't keep food in due to all sorts of belly issues. It was awful. The following few days were spent in and out of a light fever.
My saving grace was eating bananas and oatmeal in the shower like a crazy person. I was trying at all costs to put food in my body. Every year since having COVID I get the flu and it kicks my ass worse and worse as time goes on. The doctor wouldn't give me any meds so I had to ride the rest of it out. It was the most extreme week ever.Â
Week 2 was way better but I still felt miserable. I got my ass kicked and I was tired. But, I knew my mission needed to be focusing on eating. I needed to regain strength ASAP because we had our first event of the year the weekend after. I graduated to chicken vegetable soup, apple sauce, bananas, oatmeal and English muffins. It wasn't great, but I was trying.Â
Week three I really wanted to chill ensuring I was completely better for a hustle of a weekend. My chest was still feeling terrible and I didn't want to jeopardize my health for an event. In addition, in my mind, I didn’t have a job so I had time to just relax and really get myself better.Â
The Disagreement
Mid Week of week 3 Spencer and I got into a huge disagreement which is so unusual. Do we bicker and at times get snippy? Sure. But we do not have arguments. He said something to me in such an off tone, it shuttered through my body and that was it. It instantly triggered me and I couldn't come back from it. I was so tired and just blah from feeling sick. I didn't need his tone or whatever was going on with him at that moment. It put me over the edge.Â
Let the spiral begin.Â
It's weird. It's like I know the spiral is happening but not really. I had justification for my emotions. I felt like I was standing my ground. I wanted my feelings and perspective to be heard and validated. But to what degree? When is it too much? When do you recognize that you're way off your rocker?
For me, the few times it's happened, it's been too late. I am writing this to tell you it's okay to say you need help. When those close to you tell you they are concerned, listen.
Lexapro Back Story
I was put on Lexapro February 2024 to help cope with the emotional breakdown I was having. There was a lot happening at the time and I couldn't cope on my own. After a few months, I was feeling better, so I came off. I went back on in September 2024. I started weaning off of it in August 2025 and officially off in October 2025. That process was a bitch. Wow. One that I should have never tried. I wish I stayed on them from the very beginning.
Adult Lifestyle Party Weekend
The initial disagreement happened on a Tuesday. I didn't speak to Spencer for the rest of the week. It was an event weekend, making the trip long and quiet. We made it to the hotel in the late evening where we got into another discussion over the current situation and boom.
Trigger two.
That was it. It all happened so fast. The anxiety that swept through my body came in like a freight train. My whole body was shaking. I couldn't control it. As hard as I tried, it just didn't work. I spent most of the night in the shower. In the moments where I thought I could try to sleep in bed, I would put my ear buds on tuning into brown noise or an audiobook to try and silence my own thoughts. That was the first long night of many to come funneling through the same process.
Everything that you felt so clearly about becomes confusing. You start second guessing everything. Analyzing every move, every thought, every word spoken over and over and over. It's fucked up. I started to question everything I was doing in life. Was my plan right? Are my thoughts right? Am I allowed to create this path for myself? Who am I letting down? Who needs to approve? What are all the things I feel guilty for? How far back in time am I going to travel? When will these thoughts stop!
A vicious cycle of turmoil that takes over your nervous system like a gremlin on crack.
Saturday morning couldn't come fast enough. My bestie picked me up from the hotel early for our usual hair appointment. I was a disaster. I looked like a disaster. I felt like a disaster. I was shaky and nauseous. I'm so grateful to have had that time with her separate from the stale hostile energy.Â
By the time we made it to the club for setup, I was beyond sad and completely anxious. I ended up going to sleep on one of the beds set up for that night. Eventually a team member brought me back to the hotel so I could really regroup and sleep before the event, which was starting at 9pm.
In my mind I wasn't going to the event. It was an impossible task, making me feel so overwhelmed. I was unable to pull myself together just sitting there. There's no way I could even consider putting on clothes. I wanted to be by a shower or in my blanket.
The funny thing about mental health is that from the outside no one can see how every bit of the inside is crumbling to pieces. I did not have the strength to pull those pieces together for hours. It made me feel physically ill. Add in music and people, I would have died.
And why was this all happening? Because my triggers took me on an unexpected emotional journey. I felt overwhelmed with so much. It was all bursting inside like fireworks. Unfortunately, the fire just kept burning and building, sending me deeper into the flames of destruction.Â
Needless to say I did not make it to the event that night. Let's be real, I was too mentally sick at the moment. I would have been full of anxiety attacks all night, becoming a burden on those around me. That was not the representation we needed.
These are the moments you must choose yourself. It's not selfish, it's necessary. I know you feel like no one around you understands, but you do and that's all that matters. Focus on being healthy. If that is saying no, you say no.
I said no. I slept the night away in a cozy bed, counting the minutes until we could go home. I'd also like to mention that I still wasn't eating much. That in itself was making the anxiety worse from being so weak. Then the anxiety would make me not want to eat at all. It was really fucked up. It went on like this for weeks.
Stay tuned for part 3 of 3. If there is something I can go into more detail on, let me know!
If you’d like to explore more, my blogs are full of personal stories, resources, and thought-starters to help you navigate this path. You can also reach me directly through mizzybender.com—the safest and most authentic place to connect with me.
Until next time, I will talk to you super soon.
Xoxo,
Mizzy
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The stories and experiences shared on this blog reflect my personal journey, memories, and perspective. Everything I share here represents my truth, told through my eyes and heart. This content is deeply personal, and out of respect, it should not be copied, shared, or reproduced in any manner without explicit permission. Each individual mentioned in my stories has played a significant role in my life—people I have deeply cared for, still care for, and hold respect toward. My intention is never to harm, offend, or disrespect anyone. Instead, my aim is to honestly share my experiences, thoughts, and emotions from my personal viewpoint. Please read these stories understanding that this is solely my perspective, and others involved may see or remember these moments differently.
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Background: Who doesn’t love to talk about sex and everything in between? Mizzy Bender is here to discuss all the down, dirty, and not-so-fun moments that life has to offer. Mizzy is one female who isn’t afraid to embrace all aspects of life, from sexuality to success.
Mizzy Bender is a 42-year-old female entrepreneur and influencer leading the way within the Swingers/Adult Lifestyle community. If you believe in Ethical Non-Monogamy, this is the community for you. Mizzy’s journey started with Mindbender Parties and continues as she travels the East Coast, hosting full thematic swinger events with her partner in crime, Mr. Mindbender.
Mizzy’s passion is all about creating an inclusive and judgment-free environment. Here, we can be who we are without question, finding like-minded humans to love and support one another.
Through this journey, Mizzy's Boutique was formed. An adult novelty shop that started online and has since migrated into a traveling pop-up boutique at swingers/alternative lifestyle events across the US.
